Property Highlights

The Dwelling Unit: A Cold Hard Look Behold! A house. It has three bedrooms, which is precisely three more than zero. Inside, you'll find two full bathrooms, ensuring that your roommate/spouse/self will have only one other place to be inconvenienced. Key Features (That We Are Contractually Obligated to Mention): Attached Garage: Perfect for storing your car, or perhaps a rapidly escalating collection of moderately-priced tools. Fenced Backyard: Keeps unauthorized grass from spilling onto the sidewalk. Also keeps whatever you own contained within the designated property lines. Enjoy the sweet scent of confinement! Central HVAC: Because extreme temperature variance is universally discouraged. This unit will keep you from actively suffering, which is a key metric for modern comfort. Included Equipment (It's Not a Gift) We've generously left the following items, which you will be utilizing for the duration of the lease: Dishwasher: It washes dishes. Sometimes well. Stove: Allows you to execute complex thermal reactions on food. Refrigerator: A large, cold box. Prevents milk from achieving sentience. Vent Hood: Sucks cooking smells away so you can pretend you didn't burn dinner. Fireplace: A designated, expensive hole in the wall for controlled combustion. Great for ambiance and driving up the cost of kindling. The Financial Reality Check Your commitment to the maintenance of this property is as follows: Rent: $1,600.00 per month. Yes, every month. Like clockwork. Security Deposit: $1,120.00. This money is not lost, it’s just in a different place now. Mandatory Resident Benefit Package (RBP): $50.00 per month. (We call it RBP. You can call it the "Fifty Dollar Mystery Charge.") A Note on Utilities: You pay them. All of them. Every single one. If it uses power, water, or gas, that bill is your problem. Consider this your full and voluntary immersion into fiscal responsibility. It's a house. It functions. It requires a significant monthly transfer of funds. Now, please inquire.