Before I tell you about this INCREDIBLE 5 bed / 2 bath apartment we need to talk heart to heart.

You're probably thinking, "Stan, you don't know me. I bet you can't even guess what socks I'm wearing!" You're right I don't know you and I ardently... hope your socks have cute puppies furiously working on their taxes because only a sociopath wants to see puppies jailed for tax evasion. But I do know you're looking for a 5 bedroom apartment which means you've reached peak coolness.

The last time four non-imaginary people wanted to share a couch with me was 1994 at Blockbuster. I was holding the last copy of Hocus Pocus and suddenly I was the most likeable guy in the 53211 zip code.

Do you even know what Blockbuster was? Nevermind. My point: choose your home and flatmates carefully. This carries the proverbial weight of lifelong happiness and the literal weight of your parents’ fiendishly heavy lazy boy couch that they fooled you into inheriting under the guise of a housewarming gift. Someday you’ll discover couches forged before 1987 had cushions stuffed with plutonium (and a dash of love).

What if you pick the wrong house group? At least with five bedrooms, you've got decent odds that in 10 years you get to drunkenly shout in people’s faces you were once flatmates/besties with {NameDrop} and you were like super cool back then until you became lame like “this” because you ended up with “this” loser next to you. Make sure to laugh after that so people know you’re joking. You’ll thank me when no one asks questions about that life insurance policy you bought.

Also, you need a big living room with a magnificent fireplace and newly refinished hardwood floors to create fond memories with friends sitting on your immovable couch.

Plus you need two floors so you can hide when someone brings a really annoying date home. Two full bathrooms are a must because we both know you didn’t wake up this beautiful. And free in-unit washer/dryer because you have all those stylish clothes for which I'd lack the self esteem to wear.

I think it's clear you need this apartment. Let's book a tour and if your socks have puppies doing taxes I'll buy you the matching puppies on a couch watching Hocus Pocus cardigan. Read More